Chronicles of the Kangaroo Ninja Cannibals February 21, 2009

Written by my little sister, Shelley-boo. What a card.

One day the cannibalistic pack of giant kangaroos were online ordering plane tickets to Bulgaria when their miniscule neighbor, Chiff, came to their house wanting to borrow their mixer. “It’s for my aging nephew, Chip,” he confessed. The kangaroos saw no harm in it so they gave it to him not knowing that Chip had three eyes.

After a week the kangaroos’ plane tickets had arrived in the mail. They were soon all packed and ready to take pictures and video of all the attractions, but when they were getting their cookie-making supplies ready they realized that Chiff still had their mixer. They were outraged and vowed to get it back in a ninja-like fashion. They synchronized their watches, and realized that they only had 15 minutes to get to the airport. They had almost given up hope when they remembered that they had grappling hooks, exploding dental floss, and harpoon guns. “This is perfect,” the chief exploded.

The pack snuck into chiff’s house and were pleased to see that he and Chip were hibernating out of season by mistake. They easily located and took their mixer. The kangaroos made it to the airport just in time. They deeply enjoyed their trip to Bulgaria especially when they were offered a job as a pack of ninjas.

Does anyone else feel grossly misled by Ebert and Roeper? February 17, 2009

Forget Blockbuster; your public library is seriously the place to find quality entertainment. More specifically, the non-fiction DVD section of your public library. I mean, come on.”Virtual Soccer Skills”? “The Guns of Smith and Wesson”? “End Spyware Forever”? These are just a few of the titles I found while perusing the documentaries after realizing that someone with impeccable taste had beat me to it and checked out “Adventures of Scamper the Penguin.” But move over, Scamper, cause I think I’ve found some new faves. Who wouldn’t want to borrow “The Joy of Stress” or “Eggs 101″ for their next sleepover? Or “Bonejuvenate”? Or “A Woman’s Guide to Firearms”? Or-hello- “Potty Whispering”?

Put me on the waiting list for that one.

Don’t pretend you don’t have a patronising internal cheerleader too. February 8, 2009

Anna Harris
English 325
Dr. Jensen
8 February 2009

Anna, you can do it. You can finish this by Tuesday morning. It’s only a take home test. You can also finish all your reading and your art project. And find time to work out with SR so you can look like a hottie. How, you ask? Simple.

Spend three hours sitting in the recliner listening to Ingrid Michaelson and watching ridiculous you-tube videos featuring people dropping water balloons on Port-a-Potties. Fall asleep a few times. Pour yourself a mug of orange juice even though you’ve always hated the stuff. Procrastinate by writing yourself pointless letters about not procrastinating. Then post them on your blog so everyone will know how studious you are.

OhlookoneofthepurpleNerdsyouwereeatinghasslippedunderyourspacebar.PoorJorge. There we go. That wasn’t so painful; we didn’t even have to sacrifice the Alt key. How pretty your bronze toenails are. I hope Rachael Roomie hasn’t gotten nabbed on her evening walk. Good thing you had her take a switchblade along. My, your mind is an interesting thing. Don’t forget you have to submit that essay to the Lee Review by tomorrow. And figure out when you work next. Maybe that sweet old lady will come through your line again with her husband who always dresses like a safari guide. You know, your family went on a safari in Africa a few years ago and your cousin Mufasa was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests. Tragic. And who is responsible for deciding it’s spelled “wildebeests” instead of “wildebeasts”?

We might never know. Now that’s a scary thought.